A Modesty Proposal

If you ask many conservative Christians, the greatest problem facing our country isn't war, poverty, the deficit or even The Muslim Menace™. Its women. 

Specifically, how they dress. There is an epidemic roiling the heart of America, and it is wearing cut off shorts. Everywhere these good men of faith go their eyes are assaulted by women wearing skirts above their shins, sleeves so small you can witness their elbows, and tops so low cut their collar bones are visible. As the proverb goes, these are the times that try men's souls. 

The scope and depth of this societal plague has been expertly cataloged by an online modesty survey here. It asks men the crucial questions of our time: How short is too short? Do only Jezebels wear jeans? And if a boy gets an erection, is it all the girls fault, or just mostly? 

But while good Christians have been fulfilling their holy duties to tell ladies to cover up, I fear we have been neglecting a group in desperate need of help. One that is already constantly struggling with sin. 

I am speaking of the gay man, those who never cease to be vigilant against the rising snake of sin, fearlessly beating it off whenever it rears it head. As has been reiterated elsewhere, men are visual and women are emotional. Women must be mindful of how much they show lest they cause a Brother in Christ to stumble. Men don't because no good Christian woman has ever been attracted to a man's body ever. This all well and true. But how does this help our devout gay man? 

Every trial the straight man faces they encounter double. All day they are taunted by the chiseled abs, mouth watering biceps and tempting thighs of their male peers. Even such sacred spaces for male bonding such as the football field and the locker room offer no respite. The less said about what football shorts do to men's buns the better. 

Add on the fact that even marriage offers no respite for these gay urges, and the torment can become intolerable. Is it any wonder so many of the poor men break, and run off to San Francisco to put glitter on their pants and destroy America? As fellow walkers in faith, it needs to become the Christian duty of men to do all they can to not be a stumbling block. Tuck in those shirts. Keep those sleeves rolled down. No more games of skins vs. shirts. And for God's sake keep those pants up. 

Being good people intent on preventing sin wherever it may appear, I'm confidant once I send my proposal to prominent Christian modesty organizations they'll immediately address these urgent concerns. How could they not, when the need is so clear and the danger so present? 

Any time now. Just you wait.